| Mar. 15th, 2008 @ 11:18 pm a post from my wife's blog |
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12 March, 2008 at 6:12 am | In Life in general, Mad, emotions, friends, pals |
So, Mad made a blog comment recently that caused gasps, etc. :::shrug:: I can’t do much about that….I can’t change his feelings any more than he can change mine. It was a late night, beer had been consumed……still, his thoughts are still his thoughts, inhibitions loosened or not. The thing about Mad, if he’ll say it tipsy, he’ll say it sober. He knows he’s a nerd. But being a nerd, while he has more social skills than most nerds, well……….lets just say that some of his social skills tend to fly out the window. He doesn’t believe in gray. He sees things and believes things in black or white. For him, there ain’t much ‘in between’.
He’s watched me over the last few months break into tears…..sometimes, the tears had nothing to do with what he and I were doing…they were caused by something that triggered a memory in my head, random as it was. He’s watched me cry, held me as I did so, consoled me when he could. Tears happen. Life happens. Events go on. I’ve finally decided to let the drama go away from me…..the worry, the regrets, the sadness. After all, what else could I do? Not much, is the answer. But for Mad, well, he saw it. He felt it through me. He won’t let it go. While I won’t say he’ll “never” let it go, I make no promises. I don’t expect any. Promises can be broken and often are…which is why I don’t ask Mad to promise me anything. Being a black and white man, he doesn’t promise anything he won’t keep and he’ll keep promises he hasn’t even made….so, no point in asking.
I make no apologies. I did tell D that I was sorry she’d been caused problems, but I don’t apologize about or for him. It’s not my place, I don’t have the right, and in the end, he’d be lying if he gave a general ’sorry ’bout that’. And, for all of Mad’s faults, the one thing he doesn’t do, won’t allow himself to do, is lie. Even if the everyone else thinks he’s wrong, if he’s being true to his own beliefs, and he lives by them, he won’t go against what he thinks to fudge his thoughts. A fault of his? Maybe. Maybe not. Then again, a person always knows where he/she stands with him. It’s refreshing not having to guess. Does he go against the norm of ‘civilized life’?…..often, yes. Will he change? Nope. Do I want him to? Not a bit. Is he blunt? Lord, but Yes! Too blunt?? Often. That’s just how he is.
His feelings: they’re his. His life has taught him that gray doesn’t exist. The people who murdered his father didn’t say “sorry” to him, his brother, or his mom……he’s lived harder lessons than I could ever live. His life lessons have taught him that gray doesn’t exist. My personal believing in gray doesn’t effect him unless I press the matter. Pressing the gray on him would be to change him and that’s not one area I care to change.
For Mad, he saw me hurt. He saw me cry. He’s met all parties. He saw me cry. He saw me hurt. He’s listened to me explain, he’s listened to my stories. He’s laughed over stories, he’s sympathized. But in the end, he saw me cry. For him, he watched me hurting and his opinions formed from that. His protection instinct kicked in. His List of People, while short, was added to. He made his decision. I’ve told him that he would have liked X before…before all the changes. His decision could change a year, or 10, or 50 years from now…his decision could change next month. But for now, he sees black and white. For now, his beliefs are firm. I can’t change that. I can’t change him. I don’t want to. He’s mine, I’m his, life..well, we’ll see where it leads us.
But for now, he’s the “protector”. He and Whimsey are the same sometimes…..a man and his dog….protecting their humans. I’m his human. I’m the one he’s angry for because I’ve run out of anger for myself and for others I care about. I’ve depleted all of the anger, worry, sadness I can stand for now….so Mad holds it. Because to him, I’m his human. He sees that I’m empty now, empty of all but sorrow and regret….he sees that I can’t hold any more emotion and he’s the one who’ll feel it for me, on my behalf. He feels it differently than I would have, could have, should have…but he sees it and feels it from outside the story. He’s only been in part of the story, the ending as it were, but he’s heard the story and felt it through me…….for him, there’s only black and white….my gray ending for the story would be “until then…”…his ending for the story is “and so it ends”. Ma |
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